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Hello there. How are you? I’m doing well.

That said, I wanted to let you in on how things are going for me. You know, life is funny. You think you know, but it turns out you had no idea how things are going to turn out.

Tunnel-vision.

Definition, you fall in love with an idea for whatever reason and you turn in that direction. It becomes your life. Wow. Amazing.

I can identify so many times in my life where this has happened. It could be something as small as going to the store for ice cream, but could be as big as a career-move, or even worse (in my case), falling for a person thinking he/she is “the one”, but not really seeing that that person isn’t interested.

Well, what if the store doesn’t have ice cream, or the string quartet is full of lies and deceit, or the girl you loved so much has a thorn against men, rooted back several years before you even knew who she was. I can say I’ve been dissappointed in all three ways. So, what do we do then? We learn, I guess. Or teach as well.

For instance, after the decision was made to pursue a life without my dream quartet, I found that I really love teaching violin and viola, and also that I didn’t really want those three men in my life for many different reasons. From my perspective, I have chosen to teach them a very valuable lesson. Don’t play games with other people’s lives.

For example, on more than one occasion I laid it out for these three “men” of my dream quartet, meaning I told them of my dream and interest in playing with them. What was I met with? Nothing but silence. That tells me something after all. Now, after years of games and me feeling abused and misled, I have called it quits and am on the other side of the whole thing. And now, I am thankful for my newfound freedom from that dream and can honestly say that I have no idea what my life would have become if I had joined with those guys. I understand that, as sad as it is, those guys have no interest in anyone else’s well-being or mental health or success in life.

I mean, I expressed to them that I could not get them off of mind for years, and that any type of response would be appreciated so that I could move in a direction, with or without them. But, I was met with nothing but silence. It’s confusing really. I was asking for help, and met with nothing.

So, what does this tell me? It tells me that they have no concern for my well-being and are totally invested in a life-style I want nothing to do with. Their interests are definitely questionable from my perspective. But, alas, leaving them behind, I wish them the absolute best in their lives and careers and whatever else they think is going to make them happy. This is just another lesson that what I have to give is beyond the ability of the people (or person) to receive.

I mean, have you ever felt this way? I have been met with ridicule, deceit, and all types of betrayal; I thought the targets of my dreams would maybe grow beyond their current “understandings”, but after years of chasing them around with an “anything is possible” attitude, I now see they are completely full of what I call “malarkey”. It’s somehow funny.

Anyway, when I reach this point, I tend to flip their treatment on them. So, after being tossed aside and being told I wasn’t enough for them, I tend to do the same but to them. What is that type of behavior called? It isn’t that I plan on treating them exactly the same as they treated me, with betrayal and so much ridicule; but to teach them, what do I do? I have left them behind, is there anything else I need to do?

One thing is certain, after all these years of study and introspection and reflection, I have learned to keep my distance from people who cannot look you in the eye. I call it an “undertow”, when you are trying to have a conversation with someone and you feel like they’re not paying attention and active in an altogether unagreeable way. I often times leave those conversations wondering where their mind was in truth. Because they certainly weren’t paying attention to what I was saying.

I feel at this point, many people that I once called friends and acquaintances have been corrupted by how the vast majority responds to what I have been through. Whether that be a mental breakdown, jail-time or any other unfortunate circumstance that has come along with being me in the world we live in.

I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sad that we can no longer be friends, or whatever they called what we were when communication was open.

I think back to the time of Jesus, when what he said was other-worldly and even Heaven-Sent. He spoke of love in a world that thought they knew everything, but laughed at the misfortunes of their brothers and sisters. What kind of people laugh at others? Confused people. Amen.

Again, the intention of this blog is nothing but to share my experience of living on Earth during the time that I am here. My experience. It could be true that if someone read this blog, they could get defensive about their own treatment of me over the years. That is not my intent. My intent is purely to share an experience. Amen.

Anyway, what do I know? Haha.

Have a blessed day,

Travis